Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

So, I tried to wash my face with toothpaste.  Not on purpose.  It's not like that time I followed some crazy Pinterest advice to slather my feet with shaving cream then wrap them in a Listerine-soaked hand towel which, by the way, does NOT remove dry skin as promised!  Minty fresh feet are weird.  And that was a mean joke.

Monday was a holiday then Em was sick.  Our routine is off.  That's my excuse.

Yesterday Jacob wigged out in public.  People were visibly cringing from the high-pitched screams.  I yelled to the guy at the deli counter as if nothing was happening.  "CAN I GET TWO...  OF THE SALMON FILETS!"  We were beyond ridiculous.  We waited to check-out when I realized I was going to be late picking Emily up from gymnastics.  Ugh!  I explained to the cashier that we were in a HUGE hurry.

"Wow...  Frozen chorizo...  Where did you find this??"

Seriously??  At this point I totally exaggerated my non-verbal cues.  READ ME.  I looked at my watch repeatedly.  Took my keys out.

"Oh, I just LOVE this almond butter.  You know, I've actually considered buying one of those machines.  But they use roasted almonds.  I wonder how expensive those are..."

You've got to be kidding.

I was the mom who showed up to parent pick-up 10 minutes late.  Sweet.  I made it up to her by playing one of her games 50 times while Jacob napped.  Then my friend from college called.  The one I've been meaning to talk to FOREVER. 

"Em, I need you to be really quiet so I can talk on the phone, OK?"

"OK, Mommy!"

Liar.

Em spent most of my conversation trying to get my attention.  Singing, dancing around me, "Excuse me...  Excuse me...  Excuse me..."  At one point she clipped a helium balloon to my back!  I finally walked out the front door just so I could have a conversation in peace.

Then I heard the dead bolt.  That's pretty much when I began swearing and tried not to panic.  She eventually let me in, I yelled too much and told her to go to her room.  She was singing before I closed her bedroom door.  SINGING!!  I calmed down and returned to talk it over.

"Did you hear my singing?"

"Yes, Em.  Lovely.  Do you know why you're in time-out?"

"Did you hear the words, though?"

"No."

(Cue sad puppy face)

"I was singing about how I'm all alone in my room and I don't like to be all alone."

"Ooooh...  Was the next verse about how you're in here because you were being rude while Mommy was on the phone and then made an unsafe choice by locking me out of the house?"

"No.  It wasn't that song."  Of course not.

I was still fuming when Jason came home.  Thankfully he knows how to diffuse me quickly and offered to teach her a lesson by locking her out of the house.  Overnight!  We even made up our own little song to the tune of "Blinded by the Light."

Locked outside all niiiiight.  If you get cold, there's a dumpster to the right!

I felt better immediately.  For the record, she did NOT sleep outside that night.  We don't have a dumpster.