Monday, January 2, 2012

Diaper Drama

The hospital seems to have a laxative effect on Jacob.  It never fails...  I check Emily into the hospital childcare center (toddler in exam room = bull in china shop) and take Jacob with fingers crossed for a short wait before seeing my doctor.

10 minute wait...  Happy, smiling, cooing baby.
20 minutes...  Getting restless.
30 minutes...  Cranky, hungry, tired baby is going to fill his diaper in a big way.  Get ready.

My urologist has a tendency to make us wait while a nature show plays on a loop in the waiting room.  I've seen the tiger chase and kill a monkey three times.  I've seen the tuna school dart around the whale twice.  I have no idea why they make us watch this other than perhaps they're trying to distract us from the impending discomfort of discussing bladder function with a stranger.  If that's true, why do they then decorate each exam room with graphic models and posters of male and female urinary tracts?!  There's nothing more awkward than waiting in the exam room surrounded by 4 large penis pictures and a few kidneys.  They throw in the latest People magazine for good measure.

My doctor was running behind schedule a few weeks ago (big surprise).  Jacob was tired, hungry, and not at all interested in hanging out in an exam room.  I took him out of the stroller and danced around the room trying not to notice that this particular exam room has TEN posters (is that really necessary?)  And then it happened.  It's a familiar sound... It's kind of funny unless you're the one holding the baby. This exam room was maybe 100 square feet.  That's not a lot of room for a noxious odor to travel.  I figured I had perhaps 4 minutes to change this puppy before I had company in the room.  I put my crying baby on the exam table (Go for it, Jacob...  Show them why they shouldn't make us wait this long!) and began the 1-minute diaper change.  Moms of boys everywhere have mastered the 1-minute diaper change out of necessity.  If you want to stay dry, you move quickly.

I'm usually very prepared for this kind of thing.  Except on this trip I forgot a plastic bag.  And then I realized the diaper had blown up the back and out the left leg (Impressive, Jacob).  I also forgot a change of clothes.  I did a frantic search for anything I could use (while holding Jacob's legs in the air) to hold the mess of a diaper laying beside my son...  Rubber glove.  No.  Should I open drawers?  Too risky.  Scratch the bag.  I double diapered the bad news and set it aside.  Thankfully, I had one of Em's shirts in my bag...  a long, white ruffled number with smocking along the top.  I rolled the soiled one piece in another diaper and buried it DEEP in my diaper bag.

FINALLY the nurse entered (apparently I wasn't doctor-worthy on this visit) and I quickly apologized for the diaper smell.  God forbid she thinks I'm the one responsible for the deadly aroma in the room!  She asked me maybe 4 health questions and told me she'd call with lab results in the afternoon.

FASTEST.... APPOINTMENT.... EVER.  Then she turned to leave and said, "She's adorable."  Um...  Thanks?  I have another appointment tomorrow morning.  I'm anxious to see whether she asks about my baby girl...  Or if she tells me to never leave a dirty diaper in the exam room biohazard bin again.  What was I supposed to do with it?!


  1. I would've tossed the diaper in that bin too! :)

  2. Why don't they have normal garbage bins in those rooms!? I suppose the contents were pretty hazardous... ;)