Little Miss Shares Too Much

Kindergarten students are my favorite.  Every year they crack me up and this year is no exception.

During an assessment where I asked a student how milk and water are alike, a little girl made a gesture with her hand as if she were drinking from a cup.  You don't get points for that, but I was curious if she could eventually get there with some prompting.

Me: "OK.  Can you use your words and tell me what that means?"

Kid:  (Stands up and staggers around my office) "I'm SO drunk!"

WHAT?!

Me:  "Umm...  Where did you hear that?"

Kid:  "My Dad says that.  He drinks beer."

Riiiiiiight.

Next sweet Kindergarten moment happened last week while talking with a student about his home life.

Kid:  "My mom makes weird noises."

Me:  "What do you mean?"

Kid:  "At bedtime.  She makes lots of weird noises."

Me:  "Hmm..  Are you saying you're worried about her?"

Kid:  "No...  Her boyfriend says I just need to knock before I come in."

!!!!!!

All of you parents think it's middle school and high school you need to fear...  Au contraire, mon ami.  Fear the 5 year old!!  They share EVERYTHING and they have no idea they're doing it.  Your 5 year old makes my work day so much more entertaining.  The downside is that my daughter turns 5 in May.  I'm in so much trouble.

Multiple Tips for Multiple Sclerosis

I haven't written anything about my health stuff in a long time.  Actually, I took a long hiatus from writing partially because of my health stuff.  Things got hard.  Everything is much more under control now with the help of my amazing support system and 132 pills each week.  How do we fight medication side effects??  With MORE medication, of course!  I'm a Western medicine poster child.  I spent a whole dollar on a Monday through Sunday pill organizer at the Dollar Store.  They barely fit, but it was worth all 100 pennies.

I'm definitely feeling back to myself again and have even scraped up time and energy to once again raise funds for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.  My team has raised over $4,000 (AWESOME!!) and I'm thrilled by our 40+ member count so far.  I've even found creative ways to raise funds for this important cause and support businesses I love.  I'm all about dual rewards.  MS Society gets $$ (hopefully to find a cure) and my friends and I get to shop.  Win-win. 

For anyone else battling MS, I have a few fun tips worth sharing.  On Rebif??  A nurse with MS Lifelines called the other day (again) and I finally called her back.  This woman speaks at an even faster clip than I do AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING!  I mentioned that shots still hurt badly on my thighs (I gave up on the arms a long time ago).  The nurse told me to try using two hands with the auto-injector.  One hand should push the button to inject and the other should hold the base (against the skin) to avoid pushing the needle in too far.  I've been doing this on all of my injection sites for the past week and it's so much better!  My skin reactions are still pretty gnarly (you're welcome for that 80's flashback), but the profanity has gone from Tarantino script-worthy to just your average sailor.  It still burns after the meds are injected.  What did you expect??

Tip # 2 is really a lifestyle change and may not be appropriate for everyone.  Jason and I drastically changed our diets back in October and started doing the Paleo thing.  It's pretty restrictive and I can honestly say it was brutal for the first few weeks until our bodies adjusted.  But now I never feel gross or bloated and I learned (from an unfortunate eggnog latte craving) that I have a bit of a lactose intolerance and (from every time I OD on dark chocolate chips) that too much sugar gives me a horrid headache.  Now I know.  The rest of the time I feel pretty good.  In fact, I've lost 15 pounds I wasn't trying to lose and I can actually feel my massage therapist working on my legs (vs. the vague pressure I used to feel).

Tip # 3.  Watching Kitchen Nightmares is a little like passing a car accident and trying to look away.  You can't.  This has nothing to do with anything other than the fact that it's hard for me to type and watch television at the same time.  I suppose that's not a tip at all, is it?

I'm glad to be back in the blogging world again.  I'm also glad I don't work for a crazy Italian in a family restaurant deeply in debt.  More importantly, I'm thankful for the amazing support I've received from family and friends in my fight with MS.  Truly, truly blessed.

How Embarrassing!

The word of the day on Sesame Street today was "embarrassed."  Em asked me at dinner for examples of times I have felt embarrassed.  I told her, "Take a bite of veggies.  I'll give you a story for each bite."  I immediately realized two things...

1)  I'll do anything to get this girl to eat vegetables and

2)  Most of my embarrassing stories are NOT child-friendly stories.  Quick...  Think...

Bite.

One time in high school I went to the hair salon and asked for a 'Rachel' haircut.

Jason:  "Wow.  That IS embarrassing."

Thanks.  So, I asked for the 'Rachel' haircut, but left with a really awful mullet.  Clearly she was the only person to never have watched "Friends." 

Bite.  "Another!"

I came up with several stories.  I wore two different shoes.  I backed into a trailer in front of our house.  Vet visit that turned ugly.

Jason:  "There was that time you went to work and forgot to wear pants."

That didn't actually happen, by the way.  Too late.  My 4 year old was HYSTERICAL at the thought of it.  I think it falls under the preschool-no-pants-underwear-humor category.  Awesome stuff.

I'm trying to appear human in the eyes of my daughter.  I do embarrassing stuff.  All my embarrassing stuff was purely the result of miscommunication, forgetfulness, dumb luck and NEVER because we polished off a 3 liter bottle of wine before the dance even started.  Now that would be embarrassing!

I've Had Rosier Days...

I just poured what Jason referred to as a "healthy pour" of wine.  It's not even good wine.  It's good enough.  It does the trick.  I saw a great Pinterest pin yesterday that read, "Move over coffee...  This is a job for alcohol."  Exactly.

Jacob has Roseola which is just another way of saying this-baby-is going-to-seriously-test-your-patience.  He's not contagious, but he looks like a cross between someone affected by chicken pox and a full-body birth mark.  It's not pretty.  He's also angry.  And not even about things anyone should actually be angry about.  I can't get this cupboard to close?!  Then I'll slam it repeatedly!!!  You won't let me stand on your laptop?!?  Now I'm really ticked off!!!  I spent all day attending to his bouts of bucking and screaming.  Emily had more screen time today than she's had in a month.  I'm not proud.

Let's talk about Emily.  Emily must have asked me to play something or other with her 80 times today.  Every time I responded with, "I can't right now...  Jacob is (fill in the blank)."  Mostly he was just sucking the life out of me, but I'm pretty sure those weren't the words I used.  Fast forward to tonight when I told her we could take some cupcakes to her friends across the street.  I even used it as a bribe to get her to take three more bites of peas.  She only took two, by the way.  Noted.

Typically I have to do a lot of prep work with Em in terms of transitions. As we walk to the door I often say, "When Mommy says, 'It's time to go,' what does that mean?"  Emily:  "It's time to go."  Thank you.  Tonight the only thing I said was, "We're not going in.  We're just dropping these off because we don't want to intrude." Of course they invited us in.  Of course we went in.  We love them.

I'm an idiot.

Here's the real downfall of being a psych.  I can get seriously mad at my kids for misbehavior.  Not Jacob's...  He's sick.  He's excused.  Emily, on the other hand, was fairly high on my rotten behavior list this evening.  And then I remembered...  Kids are not inherently bad.  So, what did I do wrong?  I hate that.  I'm mortified.  I'm slightly embarrassed by her behavior, but more embarrassed by the fact that a) I didn't see this coming and (b) I didn't prepare for it.  Lame.

It doesn't take a degree in psychology to realize Em got ZERO attention today, was completely bored, super excited to see her friend, and ill-prepared for the transition of leaving.  I even made her walk home without a coat because hey... You weren't cooperating when it was time to put that on...  Natural consequence.  Mean??  Maybe.  Whatever.  I actually don't feel bad about that part.  It was a pretty embarrassing scene overall.

Jason:  "You didn't have a lot for dinner.  Can I get you something else other than fermented grapes?"
Me:  "Nope.  I'm good."
Jason:  "Maybe some chocolate chips?"
Me:  "Nope.  Ate those earlier."

It's just been that kind of day.  I had Bailey's in my coffee yesterday AND today.  Don't judge.  At least the family we visited tonight has two young children.  I apologized, but realized later that wasn't even necessary.  Anyone who has kids knows there are days when everything goes South and then THERE ARE DAYS.  I'm over it.  Mostly because I know there will likely be something else for me to feel guilty about tomorrow!

"We Can Do It!"

"Mommy, I need you to put Cinderella's dress on."

"In a moment.  I don't have enough hands right now."  At this point I was feeding Jacob a bottle while reading a book to him.

"You need to try.  You're a big girl.  Big girls can do anything!"

Now the pressure was on...  Surprisingly, I was able to hold the bottle under my chin, prop the book on my knee AND put Cinderella's tiny plastic arms through her blue sleeves.  SUPER MOM!!  I was the only one impressed by this act, of course.  It is nice to know that Em has faith in me.  Her words of encouragement have become my mantra lately.

July has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster.  Jason and I celebrated a wonderful 7th wedding anniversary.  My MRI results are in -- No new lesions!  Then my mom's best friend passed away unexpectedly.  I'm very sad for her family and for my mom.  She was an amazing person and will be terribly missed.  I hosted book club this month.  I LOVE my book club and had a great evening with friends.  Jacob was diagnosed with a mild case of chicken pox the same day.  Deep breaths.  Big girls can do anything.

Thank God for my little girl who reminds me to laugh even during times of stress.  We were waiting in the exam room for Jacob's 3rd appointment this week (awesome) when she said, "Mommy, You need to think about my burp."  Huh? Took me a moment...  Then I recalled our conversation earlier in the week in which I told her she doesn't have to tell me every single time she burps.  "You can just think it.  Don't say it."  Apparently she misunderstood.  I giggled while trying to stop Jacob from wrinkling and shredding what was left of the exam table paper.  Em used the tiny bits to make it snow and then the doctor walked in.  Don't mind us, we're just thinking about burps and making a mess!  Captain Destruction here is hoping you'll just ask us to leave and skip the whole pox check this time.  No??  We tried.

Jacob looks a thousand times better than he did a few days ago.  I got a lot done this weekend and even managed a dance in Old Navy with my favorite little girl to some ridiculous techno song.  The last thing I want to do is make Em think she's wrong.  If anything, I need to remember that she's absolutely right.  Big girls can put on doll dresses while feeding a baby, make it snow in July, cope with a stressful month, and dance in public. The world will not end when my 4 year old announces a burp (again) or when she colors on the wood floors like she did this evening.  I can handle it.  Thank God for washable markers!

There Are No Stupid Questions

I attended a conference recently where the presenter mentioned that children stop asking so many questions as they get older.  He said that by elementary school most kids realize that it's the correct answers that get them rewards versus asking questions in the first place.  Emily asks easily 500 questions each day.  Some of them are easy.

Why can't babies play with balloons?
What rhymes with sand dollar?
What are cars made of?

Others make me wish I could hit pause so I can a) look up the answer or b) think of something really, really good to say.

Where is Heaven?
What do clouds taste like?
What do clams eat?

I LOVE how inquisitive Em is.  Lately she's all about stopping me mid-text to ask what a word means.  She then finds a way to use it as soon as possible.  What does tugging mean?  Look!  I'm TUGGING my shoes on!  Kind of.  Close enough.

The questions are getting harder.  I do my best to praise the question itself, but she insists on answers.  You ask such smart questions!  Mommy, Are you going to tell me?  What happens to you after you die?  

Seriously!?  Can't we go back to what clams eat?  Let's stick with Google-friendly questions, shall we?  She's a little Judgy McJudgerton when it comes to the answers, too.

What eats spiders?  I'm not sure...  Maybe birds?  NO, birds eat worms.  Maybe frogs eat spiders?  No, Mommy, frogs eat flies!  Of course they do.  She told me to put her dolly in the middle of her door last night.  Apparently I struck out on placement because she then used her hands to explain what middle means.  Thanks, Dear.  I THINK I UNDERSTAND NOW.  Geez...  And by the way, birds and frogs DO eat spiders. 

It's comforting knowing I'm not the only parent who doesn't have all of the answers and at least I know where to look or how to buy myself time if needed.  I recently had a meeting with a parent who told me her son had brain surgery as a toddler because "his oppcipital hole was too big, so his brain came out.  Then the brain tonsils started wrappin' around his neck so they had to put more flesh in there to keep the oppcipital part where it's s'posed to be."  Oh my.  I'm guessing you don't know what clams eat either.  That makes me feel better.  She later told me her son "caught" his memory difficulties from two other family members who have the same problem.  Who knew memory deficits were contagious?!  Let's hope her son saves the hard questions for school.  Just don't ask what happens after we die...  I'm still thinking about how I want to answer that one.

Good (Enough) Parenting

Has it really been so long since I've posted anything?!  How did that happen??

For the most part everything has been going swimmingly (there's a word I don't use enough).  My MS has been fairly quiet, although the injections have made my thighs look like I've been nailed by a flying baseball several times.  At least they match.  Work is as busy as ever as we wind down the school year.  Jacob and Emily are doing great and growing up way too fast.  Jason and I joke about starting them both on coffee and cigarettes to stunt their growth.  It's a JOKE!  Good grief...

I recently registered both kids for Parks & Rec classes in preparation for Summer.  I realized that by the time Emily was Jacob's age she had already been in Kindermusik, Gymboree. swimming classes, and weekly play groups.  Jacob is lucky if we go somewhere other than Em's preschool during the week.  Bad Mommy!  I don't need to go crazy like I did the first time around, but a little more to promote language development, social-emotional functioning, motor skills, etc. is probably in order.   I really need to read to him more as well.  Twenty minutes minimum daily for each kid.

Doesn't that make me sound like an awesome parent??  I'm glad I have you all fooled.  We went for a walk with our neighbor the other day and he said to me, "You're a School Psychologist, right? So you actually know what you're doing?"  I started laughing out loud.  The only benefit of my training has been realizing too late that I've messed up.  I end most days thinking about what I really should have done differently.  A recent example:

Jacob rolled onto Emily's puzzle...

Em:  "Jacob needs to get off of my puzzle."
Mommy:  "Let's leave him.  He's been cranky and he's happy now.  I need a break from crying."
Em:  "I need a break from him crawling on my puzzle."

What I SHOULD have said next...
   
"Hmm..  Can you find something else he might enjoy playing with instead?  That would be a really sweet thing for you to do and then you'd both be happy."
(Insert rainbow and soft, uplifting background music)

How it actually went down...
   
Em:  "Jacob needs to get off of my puzzle."
Mommy:  "Let's leave him.  He's been cranky and he's happy now.  I need a break from crying."
Em:  "Well, I need a break from him crawling on my puzzle."
Mommy:  "Really?  I need a break from you being sassy."
Em:  "I need a break from YOU!"

This really happened.  My 3 year old was suddenly 13 and what's worse, SO WAS I!  At this point I stood up and walked out with Jacob in tow.  You need a break?!  You got it, Sweetheart.  She was all tears and apologies when she realized I wasn't going to play with her anymore.  We made up over a cookie.  What have I taught my daughter??  It's perfectly acceptable to use your verbal propensity in a disrespectful manner, engage in power struggles, and cope with food.  Awesome.

Emily is not the only victim.  We have 50,000 toys in our house and none of them are ever within arm's reach when I need them.  I tend to grab whatever is close and hand it to Jacob to buy me 3 more minutes of happy baby time when I need to finish something.  Today alone he played with a Sharpie, a shoe, and a syringe.  Just the plastic part -- No needle.  I have to draw the line somewhere.  This is my second child, so I haven't been on top of the research when it comes to Best Toys for Babies in 2012...  However, I'm fairly certain a toxic marker, germ-infested footwear and disposable hypodermic supplies didn't make the list.  There goes my nomination for Mom of the Year.  Again.  It should be noted that the baby in the picture is not my baby.  I'm not alone!

So, Neighbor, that's great that you think Dr. Sears would give me a gold star for my parenting practices, but I think he'd more likely shake his head in disgust.  I don't care.  I don't like the advice he gives parents regarding vaccinations anyway.  The upside is that I've seen some horrid parenting practices and overall, I don't think I'm doing a terrible job.  I mess up.  I think that's something good parents do.  The bad parents are the ones who don't even realize they've messed up and don't consider what they'd do differently next time.  When it comes to sassy toddler talk and needing to distract the baby for a few more minutes, there will absolutely be a "next time."  Today I told both of my kids I love them, buckled their seatbelts, fed them nutritious meals, made them laugh, and read books to them.  I'd say that's a pretty good parenting day.  Let's forget about the whole Sharpie and syringe thing!